President George W. Bush Announces Amnesty For All Marijuana Prisoners
By Samuel R. Caldwell
Special Federal Correspondent
April 1, 2008
In a surprise move today while visiting Kiev, Ukraine, in advance of NATO meetings, US President George Bush made a dramatic announcement that in one giant sweeping act of Executive Clemency he was freeing all 70,000 of America’s marijuana-only prisoners.
President Bush said, “I was down in Crawford last week…drivin’ my pickup ‘round the ranch, lookin’ for some brush to cut…turned on the radio…it was my buddy, my fellow Texan, Willie Nelson, he was singin’ “Bobbie McGee”. Well, right after that song finished, Willie came back on and did a PSA for NORML, you know, that marijuana group. I was sittin’ there in my truck alone, listenin’…and a guess what? A thought occurred to me. You know, I’m at the end of my term in office…and I’m never gonna be runnin’ to be elected for anything, ever again…That’s when I realized that freedom isn’t just another word, when you ain’t free. And I have the power to free America’s most harmless prisoners, the 70,000 marijuana- only prisoners.
After all, what Willie Nelson says is right…half of all adult Americans have smoked a doobie sometime in their life. Shoot, if the cops ever caught everybody who was breaking marijuana laws in America at the same time, you’d have to fence off a couple of states to make us a jail big enough to hold ‘em all. And you know, letting all those marijuana prisoners go, I’ll also be freeing up 70,000 prison cells for real criminals…or we could use some of the freed-up billions of dollars we were spending to lock those people up and spend the money for college scholarships…or fixing roads.
The veteran Washington press corps was momentarily stunned by Bush’s dramatic pronouncement. And before they could ask a single question, President Bush waved his hand in the air and said, “That will be it for today. Thank you all for coming, but I’ve got to leave. I’ve got a very important meeting at 4:20 this afternoon with other heads of state.”
March 31, 2008